Grief and Loss at Christmas

Select suitable conversation topics

Secondly, be aware of the discussion topics you’re exposed to following a recent loss. For example, listening to people talk about their pregnancies and newborns may trigger grief for a couple overcoming a series of miscarriages.

Similarly, any reference to the word, “work” may be perceived as an insult to a young entrepreneur following a failed business venture. In fact, many innocent questions or conversations can give rise to defensive responses at Christmas. Taking offence to others is one symptom of grief. At this point, consider refilling your glass of water or checking on the kids for some light-hearted relief. It is natural for family members to show an interest in the lives of each other and asking questions is part of the annual catch-up for many relatives living apart. If anyone asks a question, you’d rather not answer, it’s ok to say, “Hey, enough about me - Let’s talk about you!” or “Hang on a second, I’ll be back” and head to the bedroom to regroup (AKA “losing it”).

The following strategies have been devised to prepare you for the onslaught of questions at Christmas and to help manage common grief responses, such as crying, taking offence, getting angry or rapidly leaving the room.

• Step 1: Be prepared - Write or draw about the topic you would most like to avoid at least 24 hrs before your family gathering to clarify the issues for yourself.
• Step 2: Develop a plan - Find the place you feel most relaxed and settle there. Try not to make it in front of the TV. Think outdoors, think shade and comfort. Being antisocial won’t help - It will only increase your anxiety about being perceived as rude.
• Step 3: Bring props and distractions - Photos from your holiday, a good book or some massage oil. You may give or receive a massage that will completely change your outlook on the day ahead.
• Step 4: Share your thoughts - Like children, adults are more likely to share their thoughts and feeling when they’re relaxed. A good conversation on Christmas Day may reveal you’re not alone in your grief - Most people have experienced loss in one form or another.
• Step 5: Be kind to yourself - If you need to have a quiet Christmas, do it. We all need time to reflect and recharge. Write a note, go for a walk...and consider leaving early. There’s always next year.