Supporting Children Through Grief at Christmas

Make a plan with your child

Ask what your child would like to keep, change or skip this year. Offer limited, realistic choices rather than asking them to design the whole day. They might choose whether to visit a cemetery, include a photograph, light a candle with adult supervision, cook the person’s favourite food or take part in a new activity.

A simple plan can cover:

• People: identify a trusted adult who can stay close if the main caregiver becomes busy or overwhelmed.
• Breaks: agree on a quiet place and a signal your child can use when they want to step away.
• Questions: prepare a short response if relatives ask about the loss and your child does not want to talk.
• Timing: decide in advance whether to arrive late, leave early or attend only one event.
• Comfort: pack a familiar toy, headphones, drawing materials or another regulating activity.

Keep some familiar routines around sleep, meals, medication, movement and downtime. Predictability can help when the celebration itself is emotionally and sensory demanding. A modified tradition can still provide connection. There is no requirement to recreate the past exactly or to abandon every meaningful ritual.

Expect grief triggers

Anniversaries, holidays and family milestones can intensify grief, sometimes months or years after a death. Triggers may be obvious, such as a toast or an empty chair, or unexpected, such as a smell or joke. Let your child know that a strong feeling can arrive suddenly and pass again.

Help them choose two or three options for the moment: sit with a trusted adult, go outside, draw, hold a keepsake, listen to music or name five things they can see. Regulation is not about removing sadness. It helps the child stay supported while the feeling moves through.

Remember the person in a way that fits your family

Many families find comfort in maintaining a connection with the person who died. Research on continuing bonds suggests that memories, stories, keepsakes and rituals can support meaning and identity, although an activity that comforts one person may distress another. Participation should be invited, never forced.

Possible Christmas rituals include:

• placing a photograph or meaningful object in a chosen space
• making a decoration, card or memory box
• sharing one story, recipe, song or act of kindness associated with the person
• donating to a cause they valued
• visiting a meaningful place
• including cultural, spiritual or religious practices important to the family.

Ask before creating a public tribute or posting a child’s grief online. Older children and teenagers may want privacy, a different ritual from adults or no ritual at all. Respectful remembrance includes respecting boundaries.

During the gathering

Give your child permission to play, laugh, rest and change their mind. Do not require them to answer questions, hug relatives or speak about the person who died. If a conversation becomes too much, a prepared sentence can help: “We are taking a quiet moment now” or “We are not discussing that today”.

If distress rises, reduce demands first. Move to a quieter space, offer water or food, slow your voice and stay nearby. Ask one simple question, such as “Would you like company or a little space?” Reasoning and reassurance are easier once the child is calmer.

Family members may grieve differently. One person may want to talk and another may need distraction. Neither response proves greater love. Avoid voting on the “right” way to remember someone. Where possible, make room for more than one choice, such as a brief shared ritual followed by optional private time.

Check in after Christmas

Grief may appear after the event, when activity slows and visitors leave. Check in gently over the following days. Younger children may communicate through play, sleep changes, clinginess or repeated questions. Older children may prefer conversation during a walk, drive or shared activity rather than a formal face-to-face talk.

Seek professional support when distress is intense, persistent or worsening, or when a child is struggling to function at home, school or with friends. Other reasons to seek help include ongoing sleep disruption, marked withdrawal, severe anxiety, persistent guilt or self-blame, risky behaviour, traumatic reminders, or talk of wanting to die or be with the person who died. Start with a GP, paediatrician, psychologist, school counsellor or a specialist childhood-bereavement service.

In Australia, children aged five and over can contact Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800. Griefline offers grief support on 1300 845 745. The National Centre for Childhood Grief provides specialist services for bereaved children and families. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 000. For 24-hour crisis support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

A gentle Christmas plan

1. Name what will be different in clear, age-appropriate language.
2. Ask your child what they want to keep, change or skip.
3. Choose a trusted adult, a break signal and a quiet place.
4. Plan one optional remembrance activity that fits your culture and family.
5. Protect basic routines and reduce unnecessary demands.
6. Check in after the event and seek support if grief is disrupting daily life.

Evidence note: High-quality guidance supports honest communication, child involvement, predictable routines, ongoing check-ins and planning for anniversary reactions. Evidence about specific bereavement rituals is more varied, so family preference, culture and the child’s response should guide their use.

This information is general and is not a substitute for individual assessment, grief counselling or emergency support.